Tuesday, December 13, 2011
twelve days to Christmas
Since Sara and I return from our honeymoon, we had to make uncomfortable changes and life plans have been altered... and the struggles have only increased. There are days when life seems hard and nothing seems to be going according to plans. But I think we are equally committed to the struggle... and that creates the greatest bond of trust... that I wouldn't trade for anything.
I'd like to start my first day of twelve days before Christmas (not to be confused with the twelve days of Christmas) by expressing my gratitude for Sara. But seriously, I have never trusted someone more than I trust Sara. I have discovered that trust is the single most important part of a relationship for me. I know the things I share with her will safely stay with her. She is a very private person, almost obsessively private. Often, she tells me she can't share something because it involves someone's trust, which only confirms my trust in her. But Sara is unlike me because she actually has a desire to share, whereas I often do not.
I hold secrets close to my heart. There a many conversations I have never shared with anyone. I am good at holding onto others' secrets. But it is also the trait of a master criminal mind, silently executing secret plans without the risk of disclosure. The attribute frightens me and it is the subject of many dreams, where I remember something terrible I have done and that had been forgotten. And it is not just the darker things that are left unsaid... the truth is, I have to make an effort to share the many good things I feel inside too. In sharing my gratitude I've discovered an even greater gratitude for others. That said it is not my strong suit.
I know it seems ironic since I am the author of most of these post, to say I am a non-sharer. But there is a divide in my mind between sharing and writing out thoughts or talking. Often people confuse sharing with the ability to be social and shyness with the ability to keep private. Some people may think that when someone is sharing, what may seem personal, that they are being open and trusting. But everyone divides private thoughts and public thoughts in different places. I can be social and actually not share anything personal or close to my heart, even though I may share personal thoughts and experiences.
I believe it is good to share and trust people but there are various levels of trust and sharing. Trusting someone with your darkest and most shameful or embarrassing thoughts and deeds is certainly the deepest trust I know. I am grateful to be married to someone I trust more than anyone I know.